


we always think there is going to be more time

by jayeinacross



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst Bingo, M/M, Poisoning, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 13:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayeinacross/pseuds/jayeinacross
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love isn't supposed to happen to a man with a death sentence hanging over his head, but it does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we always think there is going to be more time

**Author's Note:**

> for a [prompt on the kinkmeme.](http://pacificrimkink.livejournal.com/2747.html?thread=3475643#t3475643)
> 
> also for my angst bingo square 'poisoning'.

He's young, the doctors say -- he's healthy and strong, and they caught it late, but the medication is improving rapidly (improving with every Kaiju attack, at the cost of more lives, but they never say those things), and his chances look decent. The treatment is simple enough, just two pills twice a day with food after the initial tests and diagnosis, with occasional check-ups. It can't suppress the long-term symptoms completely, or do much about the short life expectancy, but he's told that it will make him a little more comfortable. It's not much of a reassurance, but that's not what he needs. The diagnosis doesn't surprise Tendo. In the years it's been since K-Day, he's suspected that some of the Kaiju Blue that had killed his grandfather had gotten into his system as well, and it was only a tiny amount, but it's going to kill him eventually as well. It comes back in the medical assessment for his entry into the Jaeger Program, and he'll never be a pilot, but he refuses to waste the rest of what time he does have sitting around waiting to die.

"Even with being a pilot off the table, I can still take a job with the PPDC," Tendo argues, sitting across from Stacker Pentecost himself. "The illness is under control, there's nothing that says I can't be capable in some other position."

Pentecost regards him calmly, steadily. He's blunt, but Tendo appreciates that. "You're dying."

"The doctors estimate I have at least ten years." Tendo doesn't know what he's supposed to _do_ if not this. "Sir, my grandfather died in the initial attack on San Francisco, and the Kaiju just keep coming. I want to do whatever I can -- and there are things that I can do in the time I have left."

Tendo won't realize for years that Pentecost is the same, living with poison in his body waiting to overtake him, but this day, Tendo's just grateful that he's been allowed to join the PPDC, and he's earned Pentecost's respect.

He doesn't disappoint anyone's expectations, either. He's a hard worker and good at his job, and Pentecost and the Rangers trust him.

It's Pentecost that notices the signs first. Tendo had requested that his condition be kept out of any public record, so only those with access to his confidential file know about it, which is why when Tendo gets sick, nobody thinks much of it. He's a workaholic, so everyone just assumes that the sleep deprivation and caffeine addiction have finally gotten to him when Pentecost orders him to take time off work after he almost collapses one evening.

At Pentecost's insistence, Tendo brings his next check-up with his PPDC doctor forward, and after hearing what happened and looking at his test results, the doctor shakes his head. "I know that your job is important, but if you overwork yourself, your condition will only worsen, even with the medication. Your life expectancy is already short -- if you don't take care of yourself, you will only speed up the process of the illness." He knows Tendo well enough by now that he won't be convinced to leave his job, so this is all he can really do. "Make sure that you take your medicine regularly, and try not to work yourself too hard. Take at least a few days off work to get your strength back up."

Tendo complies with that, at least, but he's back to work as soon as the fever's gone. He tries to cut back on his workload, but the frequency of Kaiju attacks are only increasing. Pentecost has been keeping an eye on him, he notices, so when Herc Hansen starts sitting next to him in the mess hall like he does it every other day of the week, Tendo's pretty sure it's at Pentecost's request. He doesn’t need a babysitter, but he's worked with Herc before and they get along fine, so he doesn't ask him to stop -- and he's pretty sure that Pentecost isn't _that_ concerned about him after he's properly recovered, so when Herc still sticks around, he figures it's his own choice, and to be honest, Tendo doesn't really mind.

Then Yancy Becket dies, and everything starts to change.

It's bad enough losing his friends, but then the PPDC starts to shut down the Jaeger Program, and he's scared he might lose the only thing he's really been living for.

"The Anti-Kaiju Wall is a waste of time and resources," Tendo says bitterly, around the cigarette in his mouth. He'd taken up smoking not long after the Anchorage attack. "And that's what they told us."

"I know. They're wrong, but Stacker's got a plan," Herc replies. He's not a man of very many words, but he is a good listener, and Tendo's a little surprised to realize that he's becoming a good friend. Herc glances over. "Those are gonna kill you."

Tendo laughs. "When I die, it's not going to be because of lung cancer, believe me. You know, right?"

"Yeah." It doesn't surprise Tendo. Herc's been a part of the Jaeger Program since the very beginning, right there along with Pentecost. Herc's not about to go around spreading the news around the Shatterdome though, so Tendo doesn't mind -- it's kind of nice to have someone that knows.

Yancy and Raleigh don't know. Didn't know.

Tendo blows out smoke.

"We've gotta hold onto what we have while we still can," Herc says quietly, and Tendo knows he's talking about his family. The wife he lost, the brother he estranged, the son who fights alongside him now.

Tendo tries, but--it's not fair to Alison. He's transferred to another Shatterdome soon anyway, and he just doesn't try hard enough.

Falling in love was never the plan -- he loves briefly, and that's enough for him. He lets himself have a good time, but there's no future for him beyond this. Maybe there won't be much of a future for anyone else either, not with the Kaiju that just keep coming, faster and bigger and stronger than ever, with no signs of disappearing. But they're trying their damn best to stop this invasion, even without the support of the PPDC higher-ups, and Tendo wants to see it through.

Love isn't supposed to happen to a man with a death sentence hanging over his head, but it does.

"You know I'm dying," Tendo tells him. "You know that there's no cure, that I might not even see the Breach closed -- so why?"

Herc just looks at him. There's pain there, for people he's lost and people that he will lose, but no regret. "Maybe none of us will get to see that."

And what the hell, Tendo thinks -- they're going to save the world, and they're going to fall in love.

He lets himself have this, Herc's warmth and strength, while they can, and Tendo doesn't regret it either. Even with the world falling apart around them, Kaiju coming through the Breach every few weeks, their poison lingering in Tendo's bloodstream and threatening Herc's life every time he goes out on a drop, they have this.

If anyone else notices how he's deteriorating, they don't mention it, probably writing it off as the effects of stress and overworking himself, and they're all used to that from him. Those who know of his illness give him space, but he can tell that they worry, and if they think it's getting really serious, they won't hesitate to step in and tell him so, insist that he finally take a break. There aren't many of them, even now -- his doctor, Herc, Stacker, Mako. Newt and Hermann probably know as well, and Tendo's not sure about Chuck. If he does, he's never mentioned it, but he's never really been the heart-to-heart kind of person anyway. He knows that his friends worry, even if they don't always voice their concerns, but there's too much work to do. Tendo always makes sure to take his medication on time, since he can't afford to be pulled away from his work, not when they're getting so close, but he's slowly wearing away. The fatigue is more constant, the coughing fits more frequent. His ten years are drawing near, and even that was only an estimate. Now, he could have only a matter of months.

"You should stay in bed." Herc puts a hand to Tendo's forehead. It's not burning like it was the night before, when Tendo had to finish work early because of the fever, but Tendo shrugs it off.

"I'm fine." Tendo gets up and starts dressing.

"As long as you're sure." Herc doesn't push the issue unless he thinks it's a serious, immediate concern, and Tendo appreciates it. He knows that Herc does worry constantly -- but so does Tendo, every time that Herc has to step into that Jaeger. These are just things that they have to live with.

"Raleigh's due in today. I want to meet him when he gets here." There's a chance that Stacker won't be able to convince Raleigh to come. He's still going to be hurting from losing Yancy; that's something just doesn't leave a person, and a possibility that haunts every person who loves a Ranger. But Tendo knows Raleigh, so he knows it's only a small chance. He's still a Ranger at heart.

"Are you going to tell him?"

Tendo hadn't told Raleigh or Yancy back then. Now's probably not the time for it either -- saving the world is motivation enough, and none of them need any more distractions, not with so much at stake.

"No."

There's a little dissent at Raleigh's return, but it's overshadowed by the hope that he brings with him. A failure five years ago, perhaps, but a saviour now. Yancy's death taught him that there's everything to lose when he makes mistakes. He knows the danger, the consequences, and he's spent the last five years coming to terms with them. He's older now, with a new maturity that's evident in his expression, his temperament. Raleigh's the second Jaeger pilot to ever fight solo and survive. The first is Stacker Pentecost, the man they all look to as their leader, and that gives them faith in Raleigh too, especially the people that knew him when Yancy was still alive.

But the mood drops again soon -- the disaster that's Raleigh and Mako's first Drift isn't exactly a herald of success, and Mako's brilliant, one of the most promising to come out of the Academy, but it looks like they're beginning to run out of time.

Tendo makes sure that the systems reboot properly, but has to leave his technicians to double-check everything to ensure that everything's working the way it should. On top of his worsening condition, the stress has been wearing him down. When he's back in his bunk, he sticks another nicotine patch on his arm -- he'd quit smoking a little while ago, since it wasn't exactly helping extend his life expectancy -- and lies down, just needing to rest even though he hates he's wasting time that he could be using to work.

Herc's in a meeting with Stacker about what to do with Mako and Raleigh and Tendo doesn't expect him to be back for a while -- this is a really mess they have here -- so he's surprised to hear a knock on his door.

"It's Gottlieb," comes a voice from outside, and Tendo lets him in. He doesn't want anyone who doesn't know about his condition to see him like this, since they all have bigger things to worry about right now, but he's not surprised to find that Hermann knows, only confused as to why he's here. Gottlieb explains. "I passed by Ranger Hansen, and he asked me to come check on you. He's concerned."

Tendo sighs. Herc's well attuned to him now, so of course he'd noticed how today's chaos has affected Tendo. "Thanks, Hermann, but I'm fine."

"I'm not actually this kind of doctor," Hermann says dryly. "This is probably more Newt's area -- though no doubt he would have a terrible bedside manner -- but I have picked up a few things in the last ten years. And I know that you are definitely not fine."

Tendo relents, because an argument with Hermann simply isn't worth it. "Sorry to take you away from your work."

"Nonsense, we all need breaks occasionally. And they need you out there, too." Hermann looks him over and asks him questions, but in the end there's nothing that he or anyone else can really do. "Rest as much as you can. The medication can only do so much."

"I know, but I can't exactly take vacation days right now." Tendo looks down. "I probably don't have much time left, anyway. Even if I do get to see us save the world."

"There is always the chance that a cure will be found," Hermann says, but optimism has never really been his strong point, and Tendo suspects that Hermann's feeling just as stretched out as he is. He pauses. "Newton built a Pons and Drifted with a Kaiju brain."

Tendo's stunned into silence for a moment, until he finally manages to say, "Sounds like it's been a busy day for everyone."

"Quite," Hermann agrees.

"Is Newt okay?"

"I found Newton lying on the floor of the lab, bleeding from several orifices," Hermann says. "The Kaiju brain was damaged, and he only got a few flashes of information out of it. The Marshall has sent him to find another one and attempt it again."

If Stacker had sent Newton to try it again, he clearly was well enough to function, but Tendo can tell that Hermann's more worried than he's saying. "Do you think it'll work?"

"It could provide us with invaluable information about the nature of the Kaiju and the Breach if it does." It could save the world and that's obviously the most important thing here, but what Hermann's not voicing is that he's concerned about Newt nonetheless, unable to push down that fear and worry. Tendo knows how he feels.

Too much happens too quickly in the next few days. Losing Cherno Alpha and Crimson Typhoon weighs down Raleigh and Mako's success. Gipsy Danger is again ready for service, but they've lost two Jaeger teams, and on top of it all, Herc was injured in the last fight and can't pilot a Jaeger in his condition -- something that Tendo would perhaps be relieved about in another situation, one where the world wasn't at stake and Herc wasn't shaking with guilt at night when they try to snatch a few hours of sleep, the only time he doesn't hide it.

"My son is going to go out there," he says in the dark, voice hoarse. "And I won't be with him."

Tendo can't say anything. There's nothing that will comfort Herc, because he'll be safe, but he'll lose everything, so Tendo just holds him tight and kisses him, and tries not to be selfish.

Tendo almost drop his four cups of coffee when he sees the readings off the machines, but his fingers are clenched too tight for that. It's off the charts, Breach activity higher than it's ever been. It's another double event, and this is the moment that everyone has been waiting for, wringing their hands and biting their lips and bracing themselves for, when everything will be decided. It doesn't take long before everyone's moving, spurred into action, hoping that what they have left will be enough.

Chuck wears his heart on his sleeve and his chip on his shoulder unabashedly, he always has. He's young and cocky and determined, sometimes a little hasty and too overconfident, but no matter how unsteady their relationship has been, Herc has always grounded him, tempered him. They had their trust in the Drift and it wasn't enough, but it was something.

"Look after him," Chuck tells Tendo gruffly, when they have a private moment. Even now, before he marches off to his death, he's not good with words, and he still has no fear. A little apprehension, perhaps; he's never been in the Drift with anyone but his father, but Herc has always trusted Stacker, so Chuck will too. It's like it hasn't even occurred to him to be scared, knowing that he won't come back from this. He never wanted to die, but he will, so that everyone else can live.

"He needs you, so look after him," Chuck says, quieter this time, and Tendo realizes that he doesn't know that soon enough, neither of them will be here for Herc.

Tendo just nods, and doesn't try to correct him. There's no point.

Herc spends the fight standing tense by Tendo's side, both of them focussed on the mission, trying not to think about how they're stuck in LOCCENT, unable to do anything more than guide them. Their friends and their family are out there, trying to do this for everyone, and everyone is doing what they can to help them.

When it's over, Tendo almost can't believe it. From K-Day to now, almost ten years later, from San Fransisco on the most terrifying day of his life to Hong Kong, where a weight is finally being lifted off them all, though it came with a cost that may hang over them forever.

"This is Marshal Hercules Hansen." Tendo knows those words weigh on Herc's tongue like lead, but they're necessary. "Stop the clock!"

The Shatterdome erupts in cheers, and though Herc is silent through it, he slumps down a little, finally lets himself lean into Tendo.

The celebrations don't end that night, but away from all of that, there are the people who lost more than they can bear, leaving something hollow in their chests. Tendo and Herc just lie together and cry for their friend, for Herc's son, for all the people who gave up everything in this fight.

Slowly, they start to heal. Some things are never going to get better, but they learn to live with it all. The immediate threat is gone, and there's still work to do, but they can breathe again. They have time to live again, but Tendo's clock is one that hasn't stopped, and despite everything they've learned about the Kaiju, there's still no cure, and Tendo's too far gone.

As luck would have it, Tendo collapses in the middle of the mess hall where everyone's watching, blood trickling from his nose and mouth, and he wakes up in the bunk he shares with Herc to an argument just outside the door. It's Raleigh he can hear outside, arguing with Herc, and Tendo groans out loud, catching Newt's attention.

"Hey," Newt says, tossing aside his magazine. "You're awake."

"Yeah. How long was I out?"

"About four hours. Your doctor came by a while ago, he'll probably be back soon." Newt can't quite smile. "You kind of got everyone worried."

Tendo sits up, fighting the dizziness that threatens to knock him back down. "Did you know?"

"Sure, but a lot of people didn't. Raleigh, for example," Newt says, and that's the cue, because the door's opening and Herc's striding in, Raleigh close behind him.

"How are you feeling?" Herc asks quietly, coming over to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Not great."

"I'll go get the doctor," Newt says, and leaves.

Tendo squeezes Herc's hand and turns to Raleigh then winces, because he kind of looks like a kicked puppy. "You never--why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I only told a few people," Tendo says. "I'm sorry. There were just more important things to deal with.

Raleigh looks upset, especially considering that Tendo still hadn't told him after they closed the Breach three months ago, but the doctor's just arrived, so he just says, "It's okay. I'll see you later, all right?"

Herc's grip on his hand is near painful as the doctor talks, but Tendo doesn't mind. The doctor doesn't tell him anything he wasn't expecting. He's known it was coming, for a long time now. He's been prepared for ten years, so why does it seem so unfair now?

Word spreads fast, and Tendo supposed that after so long keeping quiet about it, it's time. But sometimes they can't always be satisfied with saving the world, not when they've lost so many people they love in the process. Tendo's been a constant in a lot of people's lives. They thought it was over when they sealed the Breach, but the Kaiju are still taking Tendo away.

"I just came back," Raleigh says, hurt and confused and unwilling to let go. Mako's known for a while, but she's still trying to come to terms with losing someone else who was always there through the hardest days. "And I--I thought we'd have time."

Herc will barely leave Tendo's side, letting others handle his work for now. They'd both known that this is how it would end, but back when Herc had started looking out for Tendo at Stacker's request, neither of them had expected that they'd end up like this. They make the most of what time they have left, and they wish they had more.

"I love you," Herc tells him, over and over. He keeps saying it, like it's all he's got left to hold onto, and he doesn't know how to let it go.

"I know," Tendo says. Maybe it would have been easier another way, and maybe he would have been more willing to go, but having Herc was worth it all. "I love you too."


End file.
